Say goodbye, 2009

Yes, it's almost the end of the year, actually I feel like this year is done.

It would be unfair say that it wasn't a good year. I've made a lot of things and I think I've been happy the most part of the time. It's a good reason to celebrate and to ask for a better year, a great 2010.

Cheers!

A little bit of books

I know I've been very far from here. The main problem is that I don't have much inspiration to think about something interesting and then put my ideas in the paper (?) so I just let it go.

But today, lucky people, I was thinking about the books I've read and I'm still reading (Crime and Punishment is one of them, YEAP, I haven't finished yet, what a shame!) and something came into my mind. Couple of days ago I read an Allan Poe's short story called The Imp of the Perverse and somehow I thought it was very alike with Dostoiévski's narrative. It is not easy to compare I don't know, twenty pages to five hundred but in the same way, these events have something in common: the mainly character can't keep his secret so he just let it go. I won't spoil the short story, but it's declared in the beginning of the Crime and Punishment that Raskolnikóv commits a murder. Then he thinks he can deal with that but he is totally wrong. It is something that he just can't keep quiet. I'm very close to finish this book and so far, the character is still suffering the pressure although he already told Sonia about what he did.

It's funny how they fall in love in this kind of narratives. In one day completely strangers and in the next morning "oh I'm in love"! I know it's pure fiction but it is interesting once we know the characters didn't have so much time to know themselves. Anyways, it isn't the focus of this narrative anyways. I think this love is just to ensure that besides everything, he can be a good man. He has something good inside.

All I'm trying to say (I don't know if I'm doing it properly) is that, somehow, in that old times, people had some kind of hope that, if you commit a crime, or if you just do something bad to the eyes of society and "God", if you're regreted, if you confess it is oukay. More than that, maybe this is the start to accept that people are not completely good or bad. They can be both. Sometimes best, sometimes worst, anyways, people have this two sides.

Is the forgiveness something so easy to achieve? Just claim couple of words and that's alright? I'll keep reading the book then I tell you if Raskolnikóv is acquited or not.

TREND'S NEW SONG ON MYSPACE!

I know this blog doesn't have much visitors though I believe now with a few different words you can find it easier when you google something like "freak", "diary" and "myspace" so I'm here just to talk about a band from Rio Grande that plays good music and now is releasing little by little three new songs. The first one is called "Offman" and you can listen to it on Trend's Myspace.

Enjoy it!

Sometimes only the silence can wash away the pain

But it only stops when you come around

But it only exists when there is no rain.

If I could die right now I swear I would. Just to kill the increasing pain inside. I don't where it comes from, don't even know where it's going. But I'm crying like a baby and there's nothing I can do about it. Feeling like this. Defeated, small, feeling no one.

I'm nothing at all.

I feel so mad, so weird

I don't know what's happening to me but I can't get focus on anything. I'm lost.

I missed classes today, I can't sleep at night, I can't study during the day.

My case is very serious. ahsuiahsaiusa

I'm so damaged and so star at the same time. How could I deal with it? I just can't... Let it go with the flow.

I always loved love songs

I always loved to be in the deepest sky

But I never thought I could feel

All these things you make me feel about you

Something that probably I have experienced in a long time ago

And now with you by my side

After a long time of grieving, suffering

You make my life shine so bright

It doesn't matter if I look so silly so foolish

Sometimes we have to surrender to what love gives us

And love or desitiny or life, even God

something gave you to me

And I'll keep you here by my side

Until the day that I die

Or at least this part of me that wants you so much, dies.

Dexter

I've just finished watching the first season and I have to say:

It's so damn fuckin' good! I recomend you!

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Last year a friend of mine presented a work about a book called "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" written by Robert Stevenson. I had read the portuguese version a long time ago but now after months with the english version in my bookshelf I decided to read it.
I can say that it's a soft book it's interesting you don't get tired of it. The opposiste happens, you want to discover more and more what is going to happen in the end.

It's interesting to see how the matter of duality of the human being was dealed in the past. In the book, you drink a potion and then you achieve your other side. But in the real life, you just have to accept: you are two (or more) all the time. And sometimes, it's hard to face our evil side(s).

Is this a diary?

Yes this is a diary!

So... should I tell all my secrets here? Of course not! I was just kidding, fellas!

Let me update my life to you: I've been sleeping a lot, listening music a lot, laughing a lot, kissing a lot, talking a lot. Only good things, and it's been wonderful.

Let me be a little more in my Dream Land then I can go back to the darkness and write deeper things! (or not, who knows?)

:)

I just don't know what to do with myself!

Today I want to sing out loud! I don't know why buuut! :)

There's nothing much to say I've been working a little, sleeping a lot, dreaming the most I can! Reading is something that I should try more times. I have good books in my shelf but you know... sometimes we just want to hear soft songs and let our soul flows... I don't know maybe I'm the only person who can do crazy things like that. Sing, sing, sing, smile to everyone, everywhere because you're finnally feeling alive inside. I thought I would never feel this again. I'm glad I can feel it now.

Reading is never too much!

Today I was reading the Wikipedia's homepage and I've found a very interesting article about a murder occurred in Kentucky, which is called the Beauchamp-Sharp Tragedy. What took my attention that most it wasn't the murder itself but the fact that Edgar Allan Poe wrote a play called Politian about this tragedy and it is the only play he wrote in his life. It wasn't successful then he started to focus his attention in short stories. I'm a big fan of Edgar Allan Poe and I'm glad he had decided to write short stories instead of plays.

That's all folks!

thus let's move on

sweet sunshine up above

move your hand

right behind my neck

take my lips, push my hips

inside, makes me whisper

in front, right

up and down

upside down inside out

nevermind

just take your time

to be mine.

despite all my unfaith

I believe that your smile

is the only thing in the world

where I can find beauty and grace

my rhymes, so shy

I know, you won't even cry

but wheter your soul is up in the sky

in this moment I shall die

like an infinte whisper

like the infinite sadness

in that old smashed piano

I lay on you my unique careless

not in your straight

smell-like-hunny-hair

not in your comfortable lips

all my life seems so fair

I won't die, shall I?

no, I know I just can't

i have found in you my deepest desire

your heart, my treasure, one day I'll take

As Placebo sings (when I want)

Don't forget to be the way you are.

It's been pretty hard to be what I am (or what I think I am at least). Such a mess, such loads of things to do. Plenty of sheets of paper to read.

Great. I need a life "asap"!

Oh my

...and I will love you guy
with all those ups and downs
with each left and right
I'll be waiting in the clouds
to pass all day by your side

I'll scream you guy
the pain I feel inside my heart
You took me into the deepest sky
oh my, oh my, always my re- start

I would tell you boy how much
I control my willing to kiss you
Can't help your lips, can't help your touch
You just always see me through

Oh boy
How much
How are we now?
We both know
As time goes by, we don't

Despite my passion to write poems I'm not a good poem reader I guess. I always prefer novels than poetry and I don't see any special reason. Maybe at one moment in my life I thought that poems had to be written in a very hard understanding language. More difficult words, your poem is damn fuckin' good.

But in 2007 I've changed my opinion at all. I read a incredible book called A Rosa do Povo written by Carlos Drummond de Andrade. Then I realized that poems are made of feeling and not only difficult words.

It's about the second world war in a very smooth way, you'll only see that is about war if you pay attention to the dates (10943-1945) when the book was written. But it can take a lot of other interpretations. Good poetry at all.

I recommend you guys to read this book. It's fascinating.

Let there be more Freak inside!

Hello, fellas!

All I can say is that I've been dedicating all my free time (and my not-free time too!) to pass hours and hours downloading new Silverchair's songs! Loads of new live versions now in a very special space in my hard disk.

I'm (still!) addicted to them!

Body and soul, I'm a freak...'cause of them! ;)

Keep walkin' in the straight lines... I'll be here soon! Talking about movies, series, books, favourite bands, Silverchair screams and so on.

Hello, how low

I'm here to say that in May 31st there will be a presentation of my poetry group InventArte. It will be set at Studio Beer, from 6 p.m. on.
The event is called "Noite sem cover" and musicians will also participate. It will be very nice and I don't know but my both blogs have a lot of visitors in the last couple of days and maybe the reason is that the group's website was published in the press and on line media.

Congrats to the group. And let's see what happens next.

It's been a hard day...morning

I don't know why I still write something here.

I've always tried to be cool. But you know what? I could never.

Making big decisions!

Today I was thinking...actually I was thinking something yesterday and now I have to decide several aspects of my life. What have I been doing? Just studying, working, having contact with my friends only by internet and I always got so crazy alone in my bedroom in the weekend. Ok I'm overreacting I always have something to do but anyway it's not what I want to say.

All I'm looking for now it's a kind of magic in my life. I really want to believe in dreams and stuff again and I'll make all efforts for that. I'm tired of racionalize everything. It's making me unhappy. It makes me so sad always live with the doubt by my side. Always thinking that the other person is trying to make me feel bad. I need to be intelligent but I need to live too.

Now I don't feel nothing. I just can't wait to start to.

(One more) Poem to (my) poet

My nameless regard
My shining star inside of me
You still
And now I've got so shy
After die just for your smile

Your movements make me stare
And I don't dare
To touch your hand
Just to let you go again

That's why I pray
Every single night to the angels
I say over and over
I beg for you to stay

I hurry up to see your body
Cross the room I have inside
You gave me the best gift today
Your smile, your skin so lovely

And now, alone again

I stare so tired and sad 

in my little cage

and it hurts a lot 

always hurts

always

that much.

Literature thing.

I don't know why but now I felt some kind of need to post something here. My life has been a crazy thing and I barely have time to breathe. But I try, sometimes. Ok that for internet I have more than enough time, it's true but meanwhile I still work and try to study something.

I can't wait to start my Literature research with a small group, my professor said that we'll start maybe this month. And I think it will be very nice because Literature is my passion. And I'm not talking about my own passion of writing poetry or something. I'm talking about the changes that are always happening in my point of view influenced by Literature.

I'm reading (or trying to read) three books but now I'm concentrated specially in one called The Catcher in the Rye, it's been an intersting narrative about a simple guy facing his teenager's problems. I would define this book as the perfect guide for losers! I think it matches pretty well.

But, before I start this reading, I was reading (and I'm sure I will finish it!) a book written by Charles Bukowski whose title in English I don't know but in Portuguese is called 'Misto Quente'. To be honest it's pretty similar to the Catcher in the Rye because it's a loser story too!

And, shame on me, I stopped reading Crime and Punishment but I intend to finish it soon. It's interesting because it's a long narrative about a guy facing his acts (for example, the murder of two women) and specially his condition wich is the fact that he is a poor guy in a very miserable situation. Although he (up to now) seems to be regreted we don't know if it would be something that couldn't happen again. And that's what is interesting about this story. But if I'm not wrong, by reading some summaries of this book, the character called Raskólnikov feel regreted for what he has done then he can move on his life like he was totally recovered from this crime.

Did you see how Literature makes me write a lot? I could pass all week talking about Literature and all its theory that it's something that I really apreciate. Analyze characters, time, space sounds fascinating for me.

Well I think I've written to much! I'll stop here.

See you all.

Unknown feelings

I don't know if you're the reason
I only search for your own truth
Because I write, and you write too
Because I think the same as you

When you open your heart
Like a window to the sea
I can't stand to be apart
I only see you singing to me

It's not about eyes,
It's not about hair
It's only about your lips
That gets me under a sweet arrest

Shine my crazy diamond
Until the dawn of the day
You make me flow like a wounded cloud
But anyway, with you I want to stay

the short story

It's never too late to stare at the stars and think. And that's  what I did with him last night. The frozen night, after a few glasses of wine. We were drunk, but we were in love with our own truth. And I don't dare to make any question about it. 

I won't see him anymore. I can't steal his eyes, I made a promise to him, I made a promise to myself: don't steal eyes. Never more.

And then I went home... to dry my wounds. 

I still miss classes but I'm not looking for any kind of prince anymore. And now, I'm pretty serious!

I'm happy, believe me. I don't know 'till when, but I know what I feel. 

I couldn't tell you why I need so much to be suffering all the time but I get the conclusion that I really need it, right? It's like everybody needs to drink and to feed, it's simple. And I'm not upset or worried or concerned about it. 

I have something inside that never lets me sleep at night. I have something really bad inside which makes me be so bad in this love stuff. It's just a conclusion it's not a suicide note. But I think I should write one someday. 

I'm sure I don't need any kind of help, I'm feeling fine. Just accepting that I'm not gonna get what I want. Piece of cake.

Currently reading...

Crime and Punishment is a book written by Dostoiévski and I have to tell you guys, I'm loving it. Ok, the story isn't developed up to know so much things about the plot but I think that the author makes the reading easier. There's not complicated words or something. Everything is completely understandable. 

Summarizing the whole thing: there's a guy called Raskólnikov (the hard part is reading the characters' names!), who commits a homicide. And he's running away from his past then he commits a second murder and things get really bad. In this story, Dostoiévski by the observation of real facts, will write a tale about guilt and punishment.

I'll be back to tell what it's my opinion about it. But I think it will take a little time, the book has 553 pages! I'll better go read now!

Well I need to write some words here because I can't let more empty spaces in my life. I'm tired of empty eyes, empty books and empty people. 

I'm okay, I just need to be quiet a little.

And I get so... whispering!

"I can live 

I can die

I can even touch the stars

Just to fit in your arms"

Well I don't know if these rhymes come to the head or to the heart. All I know is that I'm feeling a huge inspiration lately. Is that all because of that prince? No...he doesn't have a face. Does he have? I really don't know. I need little time to put my mind in a safe place. 

I know that I love your eyes, I love your smile and I just love the smell of your hair. It smells like a doll's hair . Like I told you, in the first day. 

Hello guys, I want a diary now

While I was taking a bath I thought "I have to keep practising my writing at least", and this way I can also improve the ability to think in English, which is very important too.

I was wondering about what should I write here and I guess that the answer is: everything! I can write about the books I'm reading, about the movies I'm watching, about the things I'm doing. It will be very great to my head, that it's so confused lately. But, for a reason that I don't know (well, actually I know this reason, this cute reason) I'm ok right now. And I could never do something different than what I'm doing now: writing! Each day that goes by I want more to express my feelings in my other blog Freak In The Sky and it's pretty cool like that. Real stories with a kind of fantasy around, things that I take from my head and heart and put in lines.

I saw a movie tonight, called The Butterfly Effect and gosh...I loved it! It made me cry, specially because that in the end, it started to play Oasis (Stop Crying Your Heart Out) and this song means so much to me. It was cool to be in the bed watching a good movie thinking about nothing.

It was rainning when the dawn broke and it wasn't a good start for my day. But, even in this conditions I went so happy to my job, reading the Antichrist in the bus (this is one thing that only Freak does!!!) and it was cool. I work hard but I love my job and the people who work with me. That's a important thing. And I'm not being an apple-polish because of this! =D

I slept almost all afternoon but it was ok. I'm happy in my dreams.

Now I'm here... happy in front of the computer with a wish to steal the world to me! And this sensation is incredible! I'm doing what I love the most: listening good music and surfin' on the internet.

I promise I'll come back!

ps: I miss classes! And I'm not kidding!

I'll get rid from my pain.

The holiday

Is a great movie that I saw yesterday eve. It was pretty cool but it made me cry a little! Not that much because it's not my kind cry a river while I'm watching a movie.

Cameron Diaz is amazing, Kate Winslet is cute, Jude Law is...well he is always PERFECT and Jack Black is so cute and sexy, I wish I could squeeze him!

Well it was just to say something around here. Things are not easy lately... but I'm trying to move on. Always.

It's kind of

A desperation that doesn't let me sleep at night...

Then I crawl, then I scream (inside)
Then, somehow I realize that it's pretty cool to be alive.

I don't know myself lately but I'm fuckin' making efforts for that.

You can't see my eyes

You can't see my eyes now
But it's not because my face is hidden behind my hair or something
The main reason is that you finished their light.

Their single light...

Well I don't know what to do with myself

Like the White Stripes' song!

It's like a Hollywood drama! I wake up feeling fine and in the end of the day (sometimes, not always!) I feel awful, confused, I can't explain. And I just don't know what to do with myself!

I try to disguise my pain with my poems and my songs, but, why do I get so sad? I don't have reasons for that and I'm sure of that.

Then I start to search for some alternatives to get the pain away and I think I can do it good because I have my blogs to write on and so I feel fine again.

I don't give a fuck if I'm writing in the "right way", the fact is, the main true is that I'm all songs now.

And it's fine.